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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26746738">but everytime I take a breath (I remember you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MystiePie/pseuds/MystiePie'>MystiePie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Persona 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>3rd semester spoilers, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, No more what If's plays a big role here, Persona 5 Spoilers, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Relationship Discussions, Sad, Valentine's Day, White Day, basically Akira never got to confess and now he's salty and sad, takes place during right after Maruki's Dungeon and White Day, trying to get over someone but then deciding not to</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:35:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,853</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26746738</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MystiePie/pseuds/MystiePie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Akira wakes up after defeating Maruki in a reality where Goro is no more. Now he's got to deal with the aftermath of his feelings as Valentine's and White Day approaches.<br/>Which proves to be a little complicated.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>but everytime I take a breath (I remember you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello and welcome to my first ever published work! I'm sooooooo nervous about this and I have no idea if publishing is even my thing, so this is like a try-out to see how all this stuff works lol. Needless to say, I hope you read the tags and stay away from this fic if sadness and mourning about someone, as well as discussions about past regrets and death are not your thing (because well, the ending ain't the most happy one either). Heed the tags folks! Also tell me if I should add any tags, I'm still figuring this whole thing out lol.<br/>About the fic itself, I wrote it when I got salty about the fact that we never got the option to have Goro as a Date on Valentine's but somehow the whole thing just turned out- sad??! I might have to reconsider writing a happier version of this fic lmao. Now enough rambling from my side- I hope you enjoy the fic!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He wasn’t entirely sure what it would mean to lose Akechi. Akira didn’t want to lose him, yet he also couldn’t simply ignore Akechi’s wish to live his life with no entity to control over him.</p><p>He’d grown fond of the boy; grown fond of their interactions, their witty banter, and his…slightly more feral side. The nights spent thinking whether Akechi was alive or not- whether they’d have another duel- kept Akira awake for too many nights to count. Therefore, a part of him was simply overjoyed when meeting Akechi for a brief moment at the end of the year, and even more so when they met up properly- heck, <em>talked </em>properly…in this bizarre dream world. It had been enough for Akira to know Akechi was alive after Shido’s palace, but knowing he was alive out there, free of the shackles of his tormentor, was more satisfying than defeating Yaldaboth a thousand times over and over again.</p><p>There was simply something peculiar about the handsome, prim-and-proper Detective Prince going completely feral, something quite…well, let’s put it simply, it was plain sexy. Akira liked the Akechi he was around with at all times- even more so when they were simply enjoying the atmosphere of the jazz club- but the Akechi in this fake world was so painfully honest and brute, an Akechi with brimming confidence, who was not in search of forgiveness, who didn’t wallow in pain over his past and his failures- though Akira <em>did </em>suspect there was still something weighting onto Akechi’s soul about the whole Shido ordeal that he didn’t let anyone on on- that drew Akira like a moth to a flame.</p><p>Too late Akira realized, too late did he notice his simply feelings of…affection? Rivalry? Love and hate? Had not only grown into a full blown crush, but undeniable, strong love. Of course he had missed the chance to confess. He might have been chosen as the Trickster- as the man who could outwit fate and overturn ruin- but most ironically, this didn’t grant him the ability to see the truth inside his own heart before it was too late.</p><p>He respected his love’s wishes. The fact that they were on the escape from Maruki’s collapsing dungeon- after rescuing Maruki, too- meant not only he had followed through on their deal and fulfilled his promise- it also meant he’d lose Akechi forever. It should have occurred to Akira back then that these would be their last moments together, and yet, the thrill of the battle, the almost failed escape, the fist-fight against Maruki- it kept Akira too occupied, too overjoyed, as that he’d realized Akechi was going to be gone soon. In a way, Akira’s hope- that everything was turning out well, that soon, they’d all return to reality- included the fact that Akechi was alive.</p><p>Thinking back on that moment, he’d have to admit, ironically, that he was still trapped inside his own dream world as the exact same thing was collapsing under his feet.</p><p>Akira woke up in a juvenile detention center when they’d finally returned to reality, and he didn’t like to wallow in those memories. He was more than glad when Sojiro had finally picked him up after all these days and he could leave everything behind.</p><p>He’d kept on clinging to Akechi’s glove, their promise for another rematch echoing through his head even after…Akechi had told him he was dead.</p><p>Was he truly dead?</p><p>Had he really died?</p><p>Why, if so, had no one reported him missing, given him a funeral? Surely the media would pick up on this?</p><p><em>Because I don’t have anyone that would care about that, dumbass, </em>he could almost hear Akechi saying.</p><p>Even though they had returned to reality, and all was well- he was back home, back at LeBlanc, his friends had all gathered to celebrate- Akira kept on believing that somewhere, somehow, through a miracle, Akechi was alive. Akechi just couldn’t be dead.</p><p>He couldn’t.</p><p> </p><p>All these thoughts spiraling through his mind was how Akira found himself thinking on Valentine’s Day. He had completely forgotten about the day in itself until Ryuji had begun to talk about how badly he craved chocolate.</p><p>“Oh, right…today’s Valentine’s…” Akira muttered, and Ryuji scrunched his eyebrows. “Hey bud, uuuhhh…you sure you’re holding up okay? I mean, I know it sucks to be single an’ all, but uhhhh…There’s always gonna be another chance!” Ryuji threw Akira his best smile, and Yusuke, who had randomly dropped in as well, eagerly agreed.</p><p>“Another chance, huh…” All he could think about was how he’d been able to celebrate this Lover’s day with Akechi had he stayed in that horrible dream world. Ignorant to his love’s wishes, of course. The topic of Akechi was an icky one, something his friends had quickly caught up on the day Akira told them what possibly transpired to Akechi in the real world. “I wonder…”</p><p>Yusuke and Ryuji exchanged a concerned glance. “Hey, uuh…If it makes you this depressed not to get any chocolate…I do have one myself…” Ryuji awkwardly dropped a tiny piece of chocolate onto the table, hoping it would cheer Akira up.</p><p>The Trickster was very tempted to pull a joke- <em>Am I your Valentine?- </em>but when he opened his mouth to utter those words, all he choked up was</p><p>“I can’t accept he’s supposed to be dead. He can’t be dead. There’s just…no way.”</p><p>If Leblanc’s atmosphere was awkward before, it was extremely uncomfortable now. Yusuke and Ryuji tensed up- they didn’t need to be told twice who Akira was referring to- and found themselves at a loss of words.</p><p>Realizing his slip-up, Akira quickly picked up Ryuji’s chocolate and muttered a “Thanks”, hoping he’d be off the hook.</p><p>His friends wouldn’t have it that way, though.</p><p>Yusuke was the first to raise his voice: “Listen, Akira- we all…had some suspicions over you and Akechi but…could it be that you were tragic lovers?”</p><p>The Trickster snorted at the awkward term- he didn’t deny it fit perfectly, though- and he sighed as he succumbed to finally let it all out.</p><p>“No, no…At least, I don’t know how Akechi felt but…I only realized I was head over heels with him when it was too late…Pathetic, huh?” Akechi would probably laugh at the incredibly bad fake smile Akira mustered up.</p><p>There was a short silence in face of Akira’s confession, before the blonde piped up again. “So…you can’t accept he’s dead, or…you don’t think he’s dead, which is it, Akira?”</p><p>“I don’t know”, Akira snapped back, patience running thin, “you tell me! You tell me what you’re supposed to think when you realize you’re completely and utterly in love with someone and they want you to defeat the bad guy so the love of your life can live without shackles weighing his life down- so he can choose the life he wants and live in freedom- which means you kill him off! Freedom in death? What kind of bullshit is that?! And when you tell him, hey, I don’t feel like killing you off, he goes ‘<em>So, you’re gonna ignore my wishes and force me to live in this disgusting fake reality just because the bad guy is threatening to kill me off? Are you out of your mind, you stupid, foolish man?’</em>” He remembered their last private conversation before the battle against Maruki well- he’d been replaying the conversation in his head every so often.</p><p>“And when you go protest- when you want to confess your love- all he tells you is that his life would be hell if he’d continue on like this, that he’d never, ever want to live in a world like this, that he’s gonna go his own path in life as long as he can- what are you supposed to say? No, forgive me, I love you, I don’t want you to die, yes, I hate this world too, but at least we’re together, at least you’re alive, at least I can see you smile and talk to you!”</p><p>Akira hadn’t realized he had been raising the tone of his voice until he was practically yelling at his concerned looking friends. He barely overheard Morgana jumping for some tissues as the tears dropped down his face and mixed with the snot running down his nose, making him…the perfect mess.</p><p>He accepted the tissues without a word, removing his glasses- <em>the glasses Akechi once put on- </em>as he blew his nose.</p><p>Silence filled the usually cozy café, and he was glad Sojiro had gone out a few minutes ago, because no way in hell was he ready to admit to his foster dad that he grew to love the guy that inevitably killed Futaba’s mom off.</p><p>Why was everything involved with death and murder?</p><p>“Sometimes, I wonder…if I hadn’t been chosen as the Trickster…if I hadn’t gained the ability as a Wild card, as the Joker…could we have been happy together? I know the answer is no- we probably wouldn’t even have met- heck, I don’t even know if my feelings were even reciprocated…but…I know, it’s foolish, to even think of all the what if’s, of all the possibilities that could have been but didn’t happen, and yet…yet…Akechi…I refuse to accept he’s dead. He just…He didn’t deserve this.”</p><p>Akira broke down crying yet again, and his three friends knew they shouldn’t comment any further for today- possibly forever-, just rearranging themselves around Akira to smother him in awkward human contact that was supposed to spend him comfort. At least they could offer him that, if nothing else.</p><p>When Sojiro had come back, Akira had been able to catch himself again, and if Sojiro had noticed the red, puffy eyes of his semi-foster son, he didn’t comment on them- though he did find it odd that Akira would cry over the loss of chocolate on Valentine’s Day.</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Weeks passed by, and Ryuji and Yusuke didn’t comment Akira’s behavior from that day. He had received lots of Giri chocolate from a lot of his female friends, and the fact that so many people cared about him warmed his heart- he just wished he could have offered this love to a specific lonely Detective Prince as well.</p><p>A ridiculous plan formed in Akira’s head when, the night before White Day, Sojiro explained the perfect way to ask a girl out and make up for a bad Valentine’s Day. Morgana didn’t comment the fact that Akira took up Sojiro’s offer to call that restaurant and reserve for two, and secretly, Morgana hoped Akira was going to ask out one of the girls and…possibly start a new romance, letting the past go. It wasn’t like he didn’t wish for Akira to find happiness. He knew Akira was hurting, but Akira refused to talk about it, so Morgana let him be. Akira seemed to be holding up okay after that specific night, anyway- though Morgana suspected it was another Persona Akira had adjusted to, another Persona to act as if he was perfectly fine.</p><p>Therefore, Morgana helped Akira buy the perfect red flower, he himself growing excited about the possible perfect date coming up- at this point, he’d even give up Ann to Akira, if it meant for his Trickster to smile again.</p><p>He was so, so wrong.</p><p>Morgana found it odd that Akira headed to the restaurant alone, not even bothering to take out his phone and text anyone. Even odder that he didn’t even insist on Morgana leaving him alone, but snuck him by in his baggy bag again, sitting down in a chic restaurant- with a stunning view of the city- all alone.</p><p>Akira laid the red rose down on the table, leaning back in his seat and looking solemnly out of the window.</p><p>Morgana stuck his head out of the bag when, after thirty minutes of utter silence, Akira still hadn’t said anything.</p><p>“Hey, Akira…what’s up with your date? It’s pretty rude to be this late, isn’t it?”</p><p>There was an odd silence before Akira answered, a far-away look in his gaze, still staring out of the window. “I can’t visit his grave, so there’s no real use in this flower, and since he’s probably dead…neither in this…stupid-set up date. Honestly, some part of me still hopes he’s gonna show out of nowhere and surprise me.”</p><p>Morgana’s eyes widened. Of course Akira wasn’t over him yet. But Morgana hadn’t expected the former Trickster to…pull this crazy act off. The cat’s mouth opened, but he couldn’t think of anything to say.</p><p>“I wish I could have asked him out here, Morgana. I would have tried my smoothest lines to win him over, to charm his pants off. I would have made him chocolate on Valentine’s, and still invite him out here. He’d probably say something like <em>‘Are you dumb? The idea of White Day is to return the favor done on Valentine’s day- not like I even follow these dumb customs, anyway’, </em>and, if I had dared him to return the favor now and kiss me, he’d probably end up in a spluttering mess. I’d still have forced him to kiss me, though.”</p><p>Akira chuckled as he gathered up his bag again, the shocked Morgana at a loss of words. “Ahhhh, I don’t even know why I did this, Morgana. It’s weird. I probably crashed a reservation of two lovebirds for this, and even still, I can’t bring myself to care much about it. Sorry, I know you’re probably more than just concerned about me right now. I’m fine. I just felt the urge to do something really, really dumb, and this is what it turned out be like. I even texted his old number last night, with the date and the place and whatnot- and I obviously didn’t get an answer, but some part of me still believed he’d show up today. Alright, I gotta be honest here, I…I’ve been texting his number quite a few times, because some part of me believes he’s still out there. Today was…some sort of a last try, I guess. Test out if he’s <em>really </em>dead or not. I suppose the empty seat is my answer.”</p><p>Akira headed out, muttering an excuse to the waiter that his date had ditched him last minute- the waiter even offered his condolences- and Morgana expected him to head home now, especially because the rose was abandoned and left behind.</p><p>“Bear with me for today, one last time. After that, I won’t speak of this ever again- I will try to leave it behind, I promise”, Akira muttered. Morgana was more than surprised to find out they were actually heading…to Kijicho?</p><p>Oh, of course. The first place they properly met- a place full of memories. And…the jazz club. Tonight was one of the rare occasions where the jazz songstress was attending, and adding to the fact that today was a lover’s day- the place was packed, overwhelmingly so.</p><p>However, when the jazz club owner was about to deny Akira entry, recognition flashed in his eyes and, seeing the sorry state he was in- single, sad, in sorrow- the pity he felt winked Akira in, warning the former Trickster he wouldn’t find a place to sit down, but was welcome to stay. A part of him knew better than to ask Akira about Akechi’s whereabouts right now, holding that question back for another time.</p><p>Akira had asked Morgana to leave him here alone, and meet up in roughly about an hour in front of the club again, and his feline friend couldn’t find it in himself to turn his request down- even though he was <em>very</em> concerned.</p><p>Ironically, the songstress was singing ‘No more what If’s’- and it made Akira chuckle in more ways than one. The song that first played when he came here- and a song that grew in meaning the more often he visited this place with Akechi.</p><p>The lyrics bore through Akira’s bleeding heart like sharp knives, and if he started shedding silent tears while listening, no one bothered him about it.</p><p>Was this really goodbye? <em>Ah, but didn’t I tell myself…no more what if’s….</em></p><p>Exactly an hour later, Morgana met up with Akira again- expecting the red, puffy eyes. He didn’t protest when Akira swooped him up in his arms and cuddled him tight, until he was nearly suffocating and begged to be released for a second to catch his breath. He didn’t ask if Akira was okay- it was a stupid, dumb question and he knew which answer to expect- and which answer would lie unspoken on Akira’s tongue. Morgana felt powerless confronted with his friend’s grief.</p><p>Maybe, in the future, they could all look back on this and laugh about the whole ordeal- alongside Akira’s lover. Maybe.</p><p>Hopefully.</p><p>All that Morgana could hope for now, was that the pain in Akira’s heart would heal over with time.</p><p>Little did anyone know.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I leave it to the reader's interpretation whether Goro is alive in this scenario or not (my boy is definitely alive for me :P). Maybe I should write a continuation to this....I hope you liked reading and if you did, it'd mean the world to me if you left a comment or kudos! Especially comments lol. Like I said, I'm trying this whole thing about putting my fics out there out and I'm actually writing another ShuAke fic that's already exceeded 70k words and like...depending how people resonate with my little 'try-out' here, I might consider posting that one these days as well. I'm a shy bean :P<br/>Sorry about any awkward sounding sentences or grammar mistakes! I edited this thing over and over again but somehow I'm still not a 100% happy with it in general lmao.<br/>Thank you for reading and have a nice day!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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